and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
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i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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