You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
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He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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