the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
