sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
