I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize