i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
