i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I am spending my child support on dildos
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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