I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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