It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
