She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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