just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
