Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
