I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
