I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My dick has a subreddit
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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