Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
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