You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
