so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We're too hungover to prance.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
