dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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