I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
