I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
