Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
