I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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