got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Randomize
