So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
