i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
