idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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