There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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