Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
