i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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