How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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