He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
