So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...