i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk