The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
