I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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