We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
