What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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