Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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