Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
