I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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