I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
