She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
