looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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