I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
