I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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