I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
