I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
