I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
