On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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