on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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