my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
