it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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