Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
