You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
